Being Me*

Make your ego porous. Will is of little importance, complaining is nothing, fame is nothing. Openness, patience, receptivity, solitude is everything-

Over the past couple years of writing this blog-o-thing, I have alluded a few times to having chosen vulnerability as a path of spiritual practice for myself. Most recently when I wrote about the freedom of committing to a path, I wasn’t expecting to be pushed back to the very beginning. This is precisely what happened to me last weekend.

Last Saturday I was exposed to a unique set of circumstances that took some effort on my part to digest. Years of gentle practice has enabled me to go beyond my old, persistent way of being too hard on myself, pushing too far and letting my ego roam free. For the most part, I felt enormous tenderness towards the situation I put myself in. Every time I think of the pain I have caused myself and others, I feel an inner cringe. I’m not much fun to be around when I am so preoccupied with my fleeting thoughts; I feel less free, less open, less capable of loving. Where can I go to get relief?

In this moment, writing at ease, calm about the pain I subjected myself to. I am not in the least bit surprised at the events that occurred. One of the areas of challenging ourselves and changing behavior(s) for me personally is that I can revert back, in a split second, when I am under a lot of stress, when I am trying to ask my body to do something it physically cannot do … To a very dangerous place. Looking back now, all it means is that in certain challenging moments, I thought I was more present than I actually was.

I strive to share kindness towards myself and towards others. Why is this so hard?

Notes:

Now, as I am wrapping up this post, the confusion I so often have when I write about my personal struggles surfaces again. Why would anyone be interested in the intricacies of some random old dude’s life? How could this blog be of any meaning to anyone exploring a spiritual path?

Today Dear Reader, I see that new path arises off in the distance: How can I help you (and myself) embrace the possibility that some people may respond with love and appreciation? Please take a moment to read my heartfelt question again: How can I embrace the possibility of love and appreciation? How can I allow myself to take it in, to enjoy it, to rest in it?

* Tired, broken and completely laid bare … I place the future of CultFit in your hands.

CultFit Blue

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32 Comments on “Being Me*”

  1. It seems sometimes like no one would interested in some of the thoughts we have but it does help, it shows us that we aren’t alone, other people contemplate these same questions.

    • CultFit says:

      I really needed your comment today. 🙂 Be well this afternoon and please take care!

    • Elsa Archeer says:

      Yeah sometimes if feels you are alone in the universe speaking to yourself. In the biggest picture we are talking to ourselves because what we need to learn is that what we teach or share. It’s nice to know other parts of ourselves is paying attention, right. You see I believe there is only oneness no matter how the ego tries to force twoness unto me. We are an organic system, marvellous and purposeful. Keep on sharing my friend.

  2. dianadomino says:

    To me the questions “How can I embrace the possibility of love and appreciation? How can I allow myself to take it in, to enjoy it, to rest in it?” seem almost counter-intuitive. Straining so hard to relax that there will never be relaxation. Love and appreciation are found in peace with oneself; “allowing” oneself to appreciate it speaks to utter control. Love starts within. Once one realizes ones faults and liabilities and can still love oneself and appreciate oneself, and acknowledge (with humor, even) the weaknesses, then one can really learn to appreciate and love others.

    Peace is found in letting go, relaxing, no longer striving.

    Yet, ones nature is what it is. If one is a driven, competitive, type-A person, it is much harder to get to a state of zazen because zazen is relaxing the grip of the striving and trying and working.

    It is a process, but one must also remember to be true to oneself. There is nothing wrong with being a strong, driven person. That is how the work in the world gets done. Yet a strong, driven person also craves peace and calm.

    My suggestion is to let go of TRYING to let go, even. In meditation, the “I’m-trying-to-meditate-I’m-trying-to-meditate-I’m-trying-to-meditate-I’m-trying-to-meditate” thing. The trying takes over until one gets to the point one forgets to keep trying and really relaxes and really begins seeking within.

    • CultFit says:

      Thank you so much! What I struggle with most is not letting “things” stick onto my thoughts, simply being who I am where I am and not reacting to where I used to be. Long arduous story, made short: I was that guy who could always excel no matter the obstacle (physically). Competing to win marathons, any distance event etc. Until I literally broke myself three years ago. The path between then and where I am now has been amazing and needless to say I am so much happier with who I am, where I am at. Every so often I slip up and fall back to a competitive frame of mind and push beyond my limits, such as doing way too much during a long weekend.
      I just finished a refreshing walk during my lunch break, just being, nothing more.
      *Conveying tone via writing or whatever is tough at times. I can’t begin to tell you enough – Thank you for your kind thoughts this afternoon!

    • dianadomino says:

      “Things” are extraneous. But it is easy to be caught up with them. Finding oneself at peace wherever one is takes effort AND non-effort, if you know what I mean. ^_^ You are seeking, and that is wholeness. Keep up the good work!

  3. Kimberly says:

    We’ve all been taught, “It’s better to give than to receive.” But it’s a lie, created by an ego that must always feel in control. Accepting love and appreciation is what you were born to do. We all were. You are love; I am love. We must give and receive that love openly, freely. Only then will the ego relax and allow the soul to flourish.

    • CultFit says:

      Accepting myself and the support of others has been the hardest part of my path. When I first started blogging and sharing my story of recovery, it wasn’t easy sharing that love and accepting where we are at in our lives is crucial to how we move forward happily. Sharing with friends at a cook out that “loving yourself” helps speed recovery more than anything else gets a lot of blank stares. 😉 Take care today and please be well!

  4. Maia says:

    Pondering as I’m reading all these. Diana’s comment hit it on the mark. You’ve read my recent post, Duality. “Perhaps I try too damn hard. Perhaps there is more to the effort than the surrender. There is more Pingala than the Ida. I’ve always thought myself to be a Yang trapped inside a Yin.”

    The balance we so friggin’ keep on reaching becomes ever so unreachable. How’s that for duality?
    Then comes the words of great thinkers, people who have been there, in the very same spot we are in. The love and appreciate for ourselves is not about love and appreciation for others. Is it because we feel high when another person appreciates what we have done for them? Isn’t this what you, I, wrote about giving recently? Isn’t this the third word in your post – “ego”?

    The effort must always be there. But effort does not equate struggle. When we struggle, we lose the very essence of the effort in the first place. When we struggle, we are more in tuned to simply get there and not in HoW to get there. Destination versus the journey.

    Let me go back to yoga… 😉 I talk best in analogy. As I see everything else really.
    The pose is Virabhadrasana II. Simple enough. Yet you see a lot of practitioners who are not into it. You can see from their eyes the struggle they feel just trying not to let the front knee collapse towards the middle. You see their butts sticking out and they struggle not to sway keeping their balance because of there is no rooting of the tailbone and their bellies are dragging them to the front of their bodies. You can feel the struggle coming from them, “Oh when is this pose going to end? When is she going to shut up?”
    For a lot of us, whether because of lifestyle, childhood, other experiences, we simply want it to get done. End of conversation. For most practitioners, they simply want to get into the pose, no matter how misaligned their bodies are so they can move onto the next asana.

    I often ask them the questions: “How are you able to get there? What did you feel as you are getting into the pose? Do you remember the opening of your hips as you came up? Are you able to close your eyes and simply allow the sensations run through you as you come into your pose?

    A lot will give me a blank look.
    There is no rush, Cult. We only think there is. We are exactly where we need to be right now. Let that sink in. The love and appreciation comes in the journey of getting into your pose. And only then can you emanate a glow from within, a glow you can then share with others, because you are overflowing with it.
    You can only freely give what you have in abundance – I wrote this in a post, Butterfly Effect. Go read it!!

    And while this is quite a narrative, don’t blame me. You asked for it! 😉 But on a side note, had I not clicked on the link, Committing to a Path, I would not have seen your recent comment because there was no notification. Even when you like a post, I don’t see a notification. Either you want it that way, or you may want to check settings or something.

    Off to a massage where I may ponder more… =)

    • CultFit says:

      I love the energy and focus in your “analogy”! I’m off to re-read your Butterfly Effect post, it takes a few times through for things to sink in.
      I’ll go back and check my settings but I’ll share a little secret with you: I try not to spend all my time on here, the weekends for the most part I am completely separated from the web … I said sometimes 😉 If I miss a comment or like? My sincere apologies.

      • Maia says:

        Silly! You need not read or like all my posts!

        See that notification thingy on the upper right corner of your screen? It would notify us, right? From the Likes to Comments. Say it would tell me 5 people liked the post, but I only see 4 profiles when I hover on it. I would only know that you visited the post when I go back to the story and see your gravatar there for liking it.

        It’s not a big deal. I only find it odd. And wondering how you are able to do that. It’s more of a technical note.

  5. srfogel says:

    Thanks for your post. I have seen first hand that we do get a chance to see if we have truly learned by bring the situation full circle and getting to respond in the new way instead of the old.

  6. gamanrad says:

    Take courage! Your posts are brilliant and valuable and very helpful to those of us working out how to be vulnerable and authentic and yet to deepen our sense of realisation. Peace in the way.

    • CultFit says:

      I’ll share with you a chat I had with a friend of mine awhile back, about the same time I stopped writing about workouts, yoga series and other boring things like that.
      In a nutshell we discussed that if you can’t accept where you are at spiritually, you will struggle at every turn to be happy. 🙂
      A lot of what I like to share with you may not be the sexiest or coolest stuff to talk about, its not in the least!
      Thank you for all of your support, be well today and please take care!

  7. Sis says:

    I love the new direction you’ve taken. It is very inspiring. I keep jumping back and forth between vulnerability and being fake.

    • CultFit says:

      Its an adventure isn’t it? One full of twists and turns at a moments notice. 🙂
      I would like to take a moment to let you know how much I enjoy your writing and style, I really do. Who knows what you may find over here on any given day, but one thing stands true … Being honest with ourselves is a beautiful thing!

  8. I was going to comment as your very first commenter did. Sharing and learning about one another takes away the ‘aloneness’. I don’t have anything brilliant to add to the discussion, but I greatly appreciate the discussion this has prompted.

    • CultFit says:

      One of the greatest joys I take from writing and sharing with others is the sense of community. Its awesome! (for a lack of better words) And not to get all sentimental … Its kind, thoughtful readers such as yourself that make exploring our paths that much better. I know a lot of what I write about is tedious and boring but at the same time I feel widening the conversation about health, spirituality, mindfulness, love, giving and so many other cool topics is critical to exploring who we really are. 🙂 Be well today and please take care!

  9. cre8love says:

    Just sharing a blog is a way of love and appreciation. I love that you’re vulnerable enough to share your thoughts with us! We’re listening 🙂 Keep writing 🙂

  10. I am one to share (probably too much) about myself and my life in my blog. I find it a place to truly be “me” where otherwise I am busy being what other people need or want me to be. I too wonder about love and appreciation. Am I loved? Do I love others as deeply as I can? Perhaps these aren’t really the question you are asking, but only my interpretation. I love your blog and all your posts and get more out of your sharing each passing day.

    • CultFit says:

      I wanted to take a moment before my son and I go for a bike ride, your kind thoughts mean more to me than you could imagine. Please be well this evening and take care. 🙂

    • CultFit says:

      I’m starting to become more vulnerable in my sharing and writing here. Too often I find myself wanting to share more but holding back, waiting for the right time. You highlight two profound questions that I ask myself daily as I begin to embrace vulnerability more … Am I loved – Do I share my love deeply? Feel like jumping in for a ride and seeing where these beautiful emotions can take us?

  11. Cult Noise says:

    Your writing is fantastic – it really resonates with me.

  12. Sushumna says:

    Reading an article about somebody else’s experience, containing the author’s feelings and thoughts about their lifelong journey, is in itself a learning experience. An indirect one, but for sure a learning experience that get you out of the self and awakes reflection. And hey, the writer has some gain from posting his writings too: more awareness and clarity on his/her situation, sharing with the community and receiving feedback on that, encouragements and appreciation – just to mention a few. And I do appreciate your writing and the kindness to share it. Take care in there!

  13. From what little I have read – it is quite common to think we have moved on, only to be humbled by past habits. The key is to keep going and keep trying. It is natural that the habits are never gone because they are so human. Attachment can be found everywhere and it leads to pain and suffering. Be strong and resilient – don’t give up for anything.


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