Tuesday 31 January 2012

If you believe everything you read, better not read-

Today’s sign of the apocalypse:


Stay classy dear friends…

We have been asked numerous times in the past to provide some sort of evidence that there really is a CultFit HQ.  So to quell all the lurkers…

The Plan-

We get asked all sorts of questions around here from day-to-day.  A classic example of one:  “Like yo bro’s I have tried all the programs out there on the inter-webz and nothing seems to work?”

The answer is surprisingly simple and we have secretly been throwing it towards you since our first post some time ago: Walking and Meditation – Simplicity in form and function.

On any given day Uncle Pliny is working away on the Amiga scanning email, finally he has reported back with something tangible:  Only .98% of our readers are truly exceptional and gifted athletes (re-read that again aloud pretty please).

To put it nicely for all the fragile types reading this morning sipping on a horrid tasting VitaCoCo (dare we say the Stella Artois of coconut waters?)  You are hopelessly addicted to a failed fitness/health relationship.  We need to look deep whiten ourselves and become aware of the decisions we make in regards to fitness and health.  Only when we are completely comfortable with ourselves will we be able to put a foot forward in good faith to a better lifestyle.

The Workout-

This workout was provided by a dear friend of ours, Sister Harriet.  No she didn’t take from that Pinterest site thingy (we hope):

Warm-Up any way you see fit followed by:

In this order- Planks-Inversions-Perfect Push Ups-Goblet Squats-Reverse Lunges (we know, dear reader you are creative so…this is what we did here at CultFit HQ)

Hinge walk Out High Plank Hold for 45 Seconds (walk back to hinge)

Ease into a Hand Stand Hold for 45 Seconds (tippy toes do not like your hands – gently pull them as far apart as possible) with GRACE come back to standing (feet together remember?)

Hinge Walk Out High Plank Hold – 10 Perfect Push Ups (walk Hands Back to standing)

25 Goblet Squats (oh, you did remember to bring some weight?)

25 Reverse Lunges (weight at heart center)

Rinse and Repeat about 10 times or so…If you peeps out there have a fave program that you would like to share that is not from Pinterest please send it in!


Be safe today and most importantly, ENJOY!!!


Monday 30 January 2012

Quit worrying about your health. It’ll go away-

If you could spare a few precious seconds away from your awfully important day today we would  very much appreciate it.

Entertain these questions objectively this calm and chilly morning making sure to comment with the results:

How many times do you give advice to others during the day?

Do people use the advice you give?

“Like check it out dude, you need to so try this new Beavertails place over on Y street.”  “Yup the one right next door to the plasma donation centre (<— for our Canuck friends frozen at home).”

“CrossFit, P90x, Insanity are way to expensive you need to do Power Yoga instead.”

“Best way to get ripped abs?”  “We’ll hmm…DIET-DIET-Diet-diet-GENETICS-avoid sit ups and do planks.”  This is true peep-oids, last time we checked everyone reading here has a complete 8-pack hidden somewhere (Dang nab it there is 1 bit-o advice for us.  Giving advice sure can be sneaky).

“Hey you!  You over there at that CultFit HQ place!  The advice you give is byzantine in nature and stinks up our inter-webz.”

Simply people:  Giving advice may be useful to some when it’s not-self serving.  Offer information that offers a look behind the curtain instead…(damn that’s 2 now).

Want some advice this morning to quell your lust for all the juicy little bits of advice you are going to give/get today?  Skip the advice and give information instead! (Shit, this last one makes 3)

Example 1 (Save the $31.50 and re-read our last bit of advice.  Great now we are up to 4)

Example 2

The Plan-

The Workout-

It’s Monday obviously so what does that mean?  Not for time and with a mild amount of actual effort:

Bike/Swim for an hour or so followed by:

5-4-3-2-1 Alternating Grip Perfect Pull Ups

5-5-5-5-5 Alternating One Arm Presses

10-10-10-10-10 Perfect Hinge Walk Out Push Ups

1-2-3-4-5 Perfect Rock Ring Pull Ups (Finger tips maybe?)


Thank you for the helpful advice today, ENJOY!?!

Friday 27 January 2012

Nothing contributes so much to tranquillize the mind as a steady purpose–a point on which the soul may fix its intellectual eye-

Pop quiz time peeps!  What color is the sun?  If you answered “Yellow” it’s time to pack a lunch and head back to kindergarten.

Read up and prepare to feel great shame:  Color of the Sun

In case you didn’t think the above article was accurate enough:

The Color of The Sun Part II

The Plan-

You are what you do, no more no less.   A state of calm and relaxation is a path that takes us though many dark areas of our lives.  Uncle Kurt Vonnegut’s advice: “We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be.”

Too many times we are lured by the quick and easy way to achieve better health, How many of you take Self Magazine or Men’s Health to the gym to try a new program?  If your journey is to reach vanity instead of peace continue doing what you have been doing all along.

We would be held in contempt if we didn’t share these articles with you today:

What Questions Are You Asking Yourself?

Tablets a Pain in the Neck

The Workout-

From our “Are you kidding me” series here at CultFit HQ

Bike/Swim/Trail Run (put some effort into it- say like 170% of your VO2 MAX?)

Not for time…Tabata Smile

20 Seconds of a genuine Smile followed by:

10 Seconds of Calm

Do this for four minutes followed by:

5-5-5-5-5 Perfect Pull Ups (different grip each pull)

5-5-5-5-5 High Plank Walk Outs

5-5-5-5-5 Staggered Hand Perfect Push Ups

40m Sprint out and back- Rinse and repeat

The same % of peeps who “get” the message above also routinely smile throughout the day!


We’ve done it again here at CultFit HQ.  We have wasted your precious time for the past week rambling on about trivial matters in our daily lives.  How will you ever accept our sincere apologies?  Anyways, have a wonderful weekend and stay healthy, ENJOY!!!

Thursday 26 January 2012

We don’t live in a world of reality, we live in a world of perceptions-

Batten down the hatches and pour a warm cup of tea.  This message has been building momentum since the turn of the year:  The Tabata Pandemic

9623 peeps will read this bloviated message today and of said group of well intended fitness gurus, 9623 peeps will still not get it!  Those are the facts deal with them as you like?!?

We pride ourselves on our exactitude.  As you’ll see from this post, we provide copious detail and try to be as precise as possible when describing the ways in which the Tabata Method thrives on the victimization of others.  The first thing we want to bring up is that the Tabata Method will fail you miserably.  We’ll probably devote a separate post to that topic alone, but for now we’ll simply summarize by stating that if we had to choose the most depraved specimen from the Tabata Method’s welter of saturnine gabble, it would have to be the Tabata Method’s claim that it has achieved sainthood.  For a variety of reasons, some strategic, some ideological, some attitudinal, and all of them wrong, unholy, delusional ignoramuses delegitimize our belief systems and replace them with a counter-hegemony that seeks to calumniate helpless pillocks.  We have always assumed that the Tabata Method’s disquisitions are written in a peculiar doublespeak that is hard for the uninitiated to understand, but the fact of the matter is that the Tabata Method should think about how its treatises lead what we call scabrous lugs to impose theological straightjackets on scriptural interpretation. If the Tabata Method doesn’t want to think that hard, perhaps it should just keep quiet.  Let us end by appealing to our collective sense of humanity: Repeating something over and over does not make it true.

“What in the hell is this?” 

The Plan-

If you made it this far?  Take a deep breath and relax.  You obviously know how to use the internet so pull up the old Google Machine and search away Tabata Method…

We recently asked the question to a motivated focus group here at CultFit HQ:  Define the Tabata Method in under 10 words?  The usual suspects emerged…CrossFit, Intervals, Intensity, Pinterest, Yoga (we called BS on this one), Blah Blah.

Leave it to Uncle Hayden to step in and offer this juicy bit of knowledge that he read from an actual real live living book, of all things!

“Your doing it wrong!”  None of the readers here today have even remotely come close to 170% of VO2 MAX- EVER!!!


The Workout-

Rest Day…

Although we are working on a new protocol called the Jabata Method: 25 Seconds of Work followed by 5 Seconds of rest for 4 rounds.


Rest up today, stay healthy and ENJOY!!!

Wednesday 25 January 2012

In the midst of winter, I found there was within me an invincible summer-

What’s your excuse?

Sex life blamed for injuries

The Plan-

You know what?  A good rattling of the old body and brain is always a good thing, right?  The program today parlays nicely with what we did yesterday although if you did not heed our warning about mid line stability?  Today is going to be hell and will expose a lot of weaknesses you need to address soon.

The Workout-

From our “Oh Wait…” series at CultFit HQ:

Bike or Swim for an hour followed by:

150 Hinge Walkout Perfect Push Ups (Five Second Count)

For those of you playing at home this is how you go about doing it:

Feet together toes spread out grabbing the floor.

Hands on hips – Hinge sliding hands down the back of the legs.

Walk forward to a High Push Up Plank position – You should be on your tippy toes!

Five Second count Perfect Push Up – Hinge and walk hands back up your legs to standing.  Rinse and Repeat!

This is toro mierda (jajaja)!!!  “150 of these damn things!”  Yup, 10 walk outs and 15 Perfect Push Ups each time.  Should take about 15 minutes if you didn’t mess something up yesterday…Hmm?!?


Nothing like performing something that is so easy on paper and coming to the realization that the movements serve a purpose and have meaning.  Don’t look at these last two programs as something adverse, rather see them as a challenge to persevere through, ENJOY!!!

Tuesday 24 January 2012

If the thinking breaks down, the order breaks down as well-

Hey you!  Yeah you, the one walking on the treadmill over there.  That’s a nice habit you are starting to form there isn’t it?  Or is it?  Waking inside is easy, convenient and puts a nice big smile on our faces for the rest of the day.  Just not in our neck of the woods!

Last time we checked there were no reported cases of nuclear fallout spreading across the world like Nutella on gluten-free toast.  So basically there is no reason not to walk outside, none and your excuses are coming much to freely today.  We like to use the terms: Incremental Activity and Perseverance.

As an example:  Park farther away from the entrance to work or the store no matter what the weather may be.  You guys may remember we don’t like telling you what to do on a daily basis.  That’s for other blog-o-sphere types to get off on.  Think of this message today as a slap up side the head from Uncle Mo here at CultFit HQ after he caught you drinking milk from the carton with the fridge door wide open.

The perseverance and habits that you foster now although seemingly trivial will help you out the next time a workout gets really challenging!

Your doorway to happiness is…Changing your definition of perseverance.  A 180 so to speak?

The Plan-

OK what the hell is going on here?  Quick question:  How do you stay motivated to stay active and to work towards your goals?  98.7% of you will say: “I work out because it makes me feel good and all sorts of happy inside.”

Hard Work = Bliss

Create a Habit of Perseverance!!!

The Workout-

Pulled and adapted from our “Do Something” series here at the CultFit HQ archives:

Swim for about an hour followed by:

One of our fave programs at CultFit HQ (notice the slight changes today)…

45-60 Second Handstand Hold (actively press your hands through the floor and stretch those little toes to the sky) followed by:

30 Second Top of Push Up Plank

45-60 Second Handstand Hold

30 Second Top of Push Up Plank

45-60 Second Handstand Hold

30 Second Top of Push Up Plank

45-60 Second Handstand Hold

30 Second Top of Push Up Plank

10 Minutes of Leg Drains (you can thank us later!)


Push, push, patience, perseverance and if at any moment you lose mid line stability (hips drop-chin drop etc), STOP!  If you really want to mess yourself up for good do planks and hand stands incorrectly, ENJOY!!!

Hint fellow albóndiga’s:  First person to comment about why this program is important and closely tied into our message today gets a free bit of schwag!

Monday 23 January 2012

Luck affects everything. Let your hook always be cast. In the stream where you least expect it, there will be a fish-

Take that sun…

The Plan-

Many of you know that our line of thinking here at the always classy CultFit HQ goes as follows:  Body weight movements trump anything else we do in a program,  period!

The logic is that if you can’t efficiently move yourself properly during a program you have no purpose adding weight until you can.  The same goes for a bunch of other things:  Walking before learning how to run as an example.  It’s funny as adults seem to forget this as the years wear on and add up.  Old Uncle Sachmo here of course was running as an infant before he learned how to crawl…Hmm why do so many old peeps seem to forget this as they train for their 5 hr long marathon?  Oh well, we’re older and obviously so much smarter than a little stinky infant.

The Workout-

Pulled from our “Time to start” series at CultFit HQ:

Bike/Walk…Preferably outside and with a fair amount of effort put into it.

5-4-3-2-1 Perfect Pull Ups (ease into them and develop power from your torso-core-trunk-whatever the experts are calling it now)

10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1 Perfect Push Ups and Perfect One Arm Presses (same as above…)

10 Minutes or so of the following:

Find a pace and rhythm and knock out some Goblet Squats for ten straight minutes (key is finding the right weight to push yourself just a little bit).


have fun today and ENJOY!!!