The :Cosmic: Game

Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself-

What are we seeking when we engage in self-reflection along our path to discovering our true authentic self? I asked myself this question during a recent cycling event, one where I had quite a bit of time to think about “things” in life.

Stumbling upon my path to discovering my authentic self has been riddled by a myriad of close calls, disappointments, pain and yes: Suffering. Years of engaging in destructive behavior seemingly crushed me as a person and still haunt me, even as I proof read this post.

Everywhere I sought help and refuge, I was continually told the way to discover “who we really are” is to simply scrape away all the dreck that has been heaped upon ourselves over the years. Sounds easy enough right?!? If life were only as easy as reading a $5.99 self-help e-book or a top 10 list to discover your true self blog post. The more self-help advice and guidance I marinated in, the more I began to notice how self involved I was becoming. I gradually became concerned only with what affected me or only with that which is useful to, or focused primarily on myself. I started to make every day life “things” that were not about me, about me, and I became blind to world unfolding around me The more I looked inward, the more I tuned out. I stopped living life.

Each one of us has a self that is beautiful, flawed and unique. Each one of us are blessed with a complicated set of life experiences that no one else has. Our lives are an accumulation of experiences – both good, bad and the ugly. We are amazing – dynamic creatures, and we are continually a work in progress!

Daily Meditation:

These experiences, however, are the very “things” that the searching to reveal our true authentic in a book or whatever, toss to the side as unimportant or distracting. My path to an authentic self, starts with acknowledging my woeful self-deception, that I am my own worst enemy and bringing my Son along to a few cyclocross races last season helped to shed light on what matters the most to me in life (more on this next week).

I hope each of you reading today have an amazing weekend, take care and be well!

CultFit Deception

 


The Summer Ends

The summer ends, and it is time
To face another way. Our theme
Reversed, we harvest the last row
To store against the cold, undo
The garden that will be undone.
We grieve under the weakened sun
To see all earth’s green fountains dried,
And fallen all the works of light.
You do not speak, and I regret
This downfall of the good we sought
As though the fault were mine. I bring
The plow to turn the shattering
Leaves and bent stems into the dark,
From which they may return. At work,
I see you leaving our bright land,
The last cut flowers in your hand.

- Wendell Berry

CultFit Summer


Many :Thanks:

Music always sounds better on Friday-

Tomorrow I ask you to support the women that dare to ride! The inaugural Global Solidarity Ride takes place tomorrow and I simply cannot express how important this ride is to me. Shannon Galpin of Mountain2Mountain is doing amazing work bringing the simple joy of spinning along on a bicycle to the women of Afghanistan.

Daily Meditation:

Before the weekend begins, I personally would like to – Thank You- for your continued support of my your little blog-o-thing! Be well this weekend and please take care!

CultFit Believe

*Please join me this coming Sunday in Omaha for the annual Tour de Garden Omaha! I’ll even pick up the first coffee or tea for you – My treat!*


Evening on the Lawn

I sat on the lawn watching the half-hearted moon rise,
The gnats orbiting the peach pit that I spat out
When the sweetness was gone. I was twenty,
Wet behind the ears from my car wash job,
And suddenly rising to my feet when I saw in early evening
A cloud roll over a section of stars.
It was boiling, a cloud
Churning in one place and washing those three or four stars.
Excited, I lay back down,
My stomach a valley, my arms twined with new rope,
My hair a youthful black. I called my mother and stepfather,
And said something amazing was happening up there.
They shaded their eyes from the porch light.
They looked and looked before my mom turned
The garden hose onto a rosebush and my stepfather scolded the cat
To get the hell off the car. The old man grumbled
About missing something on TV,
The old lady made a face
When mud splashed her slippers. How you bother,
She said for the last time, the screen door closing like a sigh.
I turned off the porch light, undid my shoes.
The cloud boiled over those stars until it was burned by their icy fire.
The night was now clear. The wind brought me a scent
Of a place where I would go alone,
Then find others, all barefoot.
In time, each of us would boil clouds
And strike our childhood houses
With lightning.

- Gary Soto

CultFit Night


There Will Never Be Another :You:

The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are-

Does our reflection in a mirror define who we really are? What about the mirror at work, in the car, the one that magically adds twenty pounds at the department store? Becoming uncomfortable in some way or another with our own behavior, as our thoughts and emotions gradually take over. This discomfort, what we feel out in public, maybe Is another other aspect of who we really are, perhaps this is even our authentic self?!?

How do we know which reflection is real? Thoughts and feelings that originate from the authentic self, while uncomfortable at times, also bring us peace when we pause to listen, and accommodate the wishes of this kind and gentle voice.

As someone who has felt guilty about my appearance in one way or another throughout life, I begin to feel deep resentment even as I’m feeling guilty. I find myself uncomfortable with this resentment because it isn’t “kind” nor is it any “good This identity I’m striving for. Although, if I begin to see that the resentment is actually telling me that I’m doing “things” out of guilt and a false sense of responsibility, that I don’t quite have the compassion to accommodate, or even the desire … I might even allow it to help me choose to stop obeying the guilt as if it were the only right thing to do.

After a few moments, a deep breath or two – Peace, and this Peace is all the evidence I need of my true authentic self.

Daily Meditation:

At what point do we stop asking what is right in our lives, and  start asking what is real?

CultFit Dock


Sweater – Weather -

To lose confidence in one’s body is to lose confidence in oneself-

Throughout our lives, our daily experiences feed into the deep, old sense of shame that grips us. We assign this ongoing feeling of shame to parts of our bodies that we see in a negative light. Ranging from feeling awkward in front co-workers and friends, feeling our of place running on the treadmill, to race day failures or even minor training oversight(s) can be attributed to simply not looking “right” … Only serving to feed from our inner trough of self-hatred.

Have you ever blamed a poor performance, or failed to show up to an event because you were ashamed to be seen? Soul sapping thoughts that you are too “out of shape“, I don’t belong or deserve to be here with all these “fit” folks? When we lose confidence in ourselves, we instantly surrender to failure, instead of pursuing what our hearts passionately want to do. Why is this so?

My battered and beaten body is hands down, the biggest target of my ever so critical inner voice. No matter where I stand in life, it continually provides feedback of my many imperfections and keeps me from fully relaxing in my own skin

Daily Meditation:

Each morning when we wake, we are afforded the beautiful opportunity to hide or reveal our true selves. When the harsh “voice” is telling us to keep our sweaters on or to stay home on race day … Be brave, be bold my friends – for you truly belong in the here and now.

Have a blessed weekend and please take care!

CultFit Belong


First Song

That long-ago morning at Ruth’s farm
when I hid in the wisteria
and watched hummingbirds. I thought
the ruby or gold that gleamed on their throats
was the honeyed blood of flowers.
They would stick their piercing beaks
into a crown of petals until their heads
disappeared. The blossoms blurred into wings,
and the breathing I heard
was the thin, moving stems of wisteria.
That night, my face pressed against the window,
I looked out into the dark
where the moon drowned in the willows
by the pond. My heart, bloodstone,
turned. That long night, the farm,
those jeweled birds, all these gone years.
The horses standing quiet and huge
in the moon-crossing blackness.

- Joseph Stroud

CultFit Song