Basic Space

If you claim to be a real friend then be real in your soul. If you claim to be fake then be an enemy instead-

I was in my early 30’s when we first met. This particular marathon was in a beautiful and exotic part of war-torn Baghdad, Iraq. I did not like it from the start and it only got worse from there

I nuzzled my way onto the starting line cocky, arrogant, and self-centered. I couldn’t stand the thought of having to run through the pack, outlasting the early sprinters and generally weaving through the pedestrians. Much to my dismay, I faded back 10 miles into this scorching hot race. This was just another marathon, but I was the same person.

And there I was at the next big race in Bagram Airfield, Afghanistan. The same person I was a year earlier followed me to this race as well

It finally dawned on me, blonde hair and all, that it was I, who needed to change or else I would be my own worst enemy for the rest of my life. As I began to walk the path of meaningful change in my life, I came to realize my poor marathon performances were a metaphor for the way my life works. I can cast blame and run away from poor performances, although they will keep returning until I finally face them, and owe up to them.

Over the past three years of blogging. I tried at times, and failed more often than I like, to share with you, thinking out-loud, why these particular traits of me bother me so much.

Daily Meditation:

Once I set out to change myself all those years ago, I started to notice that the “old” me doesn’t come around as much anymore. When these feelings do arise out of nowhere? I tap deeper into my inner compassion and gratitude … Noticing that in some ways, I have been trying to help myself all along, I was just to cockyarrogant, and self-centered to notice.

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4 Comments on “Basic Space”

  1. This personal story is such a good example of how we awaken over time. First we start noticing what we want to “change”……then we start facing up to the Truth behind all of our drama. I concur with your statement about the “old me” not coming around much anymore. But, drat! I’d like to banish that old me forever…….however……..I’d be losing the best teacher and friend I’ve ever had.

  2. katelon says:

    I’m glad that you are able to have compassion for that part. That part of you has a great skill set and redirected, it can bring great assets to your quest of healing and mindfulness, along with all your other goals.

  3. Sandra says:

    Ah yes. Cocky arrogant and self-centered. I wonder if that’s better or worse than what keeps (kept?, no, keeps) me from achieving what needs to happen: self-centered, highly self-critical lack of belief in one’s self.

    Having expectations to achieve great things v. Having expectations of failure (and not believing one could even achieve such a lofty goal)? They are both debilitating in the end. Aren’t they? And they cause a spiraling effect.

    The people that seem to be able to get out of that rut appear on the outside to be cocky, self-assured (a bad thing if you’re a true Midwesterner or farmer. . . ), and full of themselves. They type of people I normally avoid.

    But I think I have been misreading that all of these years. I think I have been viewing them through the green lenses of jealousy–and I should have been learning from them instead. Dammit.

    Why is it so hard?

    Want to stop by Sunday after your ride?

    • CultFit says:

      Thank you for a wonderful and truly thought provoking comment! As you know, I had a few spare minutes spent in cycling solitude to ponder your comment this past Sunday … Speaking personally through my life experiences, I tend to not pay much attention to failure, hardly any really. I use failure as a “tool” nothing more and nothing less, a tool that when used properly, can yield some positive results.
      I know this may seem pretty trivial, although when we start to climb out of our “ruts” – Whatever they may be, with the understanding that kindness, compassion and learning … Devolving and nurturing our tool set for success? <— This is not easy! Riding 120+ miles in what could arguably be the worst day of the year so far in Nebraska? <— Somewhat easy ;) Knowing that achieving "whatever" … Is possible.
      A bunch of words to explain something I fail to convey all of the time – Smile with an open, pure heart and have fun in life!!!