The (I)ntro

Pain will come with time, but time will heal the pain-

Let the above quote settle in your heart for a moment …

Life can be full of emotional “roles” we take on. I am tired of trying to act out what others have created – written for me, and I want to define myself for who I really am, not what’s expected.

Of the 500+ blog posts I have written, this one has been by far the most challenging. Why? Because it is more Uncle Ben Kenobi then Luke Skywalker and while I like to think I can save the day, every day, for everyone, like an intergalactic heroine; I realize I must now save myself. I am not a fictional character but a simple dude figuring things out and sharing observations along the way. A simple dude who is learning that being healthy and pain-free is not a luxury to take lightly, it is part of my journey.

I’ve arrived to the conclusion that I need more than awareness, I need acceptance in my life. I am fully aware that I live with unwavering pain everyday, simply waking up in the morning (hell, I never fall sleep) is enough of a reminder.

I fully realize now (in this uncomfortable writing position) that awareness is the crisp sheet of Star Wars wrapping paper my lovely wife and I firmly wrap around our son’s birthday presents, with the gift(s) neatly stowed inside, and acceptance is the shredded aftermath of his fury: ribbons, bows, poorly taped boxes, and batteries I forgot to pick up the night before (because focusing on suppressing pain is all-consuming)   it is effort, function, and truth beyond projected images. They are both beautiful and play important roles in our life.

Awareness: I have always wanted to get better after each injury, heal faster, be healthier, listen to everyone’s problems, and take away everyone’s pain away without ever taking time to acknowledge my own. I’m terrified of pain … I want to be the poetic ideal that everyone believes I am. A friend, a father and husband with time and heart for all who come in need of a hug or a willing ear, to process a conversation or opinion without judgement. I want to meditate peacefully, perform yoga pain-free, be a better lover, and be honest and open to all I meet. Is that too much to be all of the time?

The answer of course is a resounding YES! Because after years of simply being aware of the pain, I am now laid barre writing to you, fully accepting where I am at in life.

Acceptance: I have always thought that simply not being in the grasp of the worst of my pain was in fact happiness. Everything these past few years has been a matter of comparison for me, I am a walking barometer of pain. I want to know what happiness truly feels like. Happiness is not skipping mega doses of pain medication(s) one morning in order to know I am alive today in comparison to yesterday when I was under the influence of too much Motrin. My days are filled sharing with others in hopes that they will come to know happiness. That they can work towards being better, that you are allowed to eat red velvet birthday cake, drink too much wine and be merry. You don’t have to suppress the joys of life to achieve some self-serving, vanity filled fitness goal! What others expect you to be

Notes:

What follows is a note to myself:

I must take care of myself, not just so I can fulfill my obligations in life but to take care of those who love me.

CultFit Path

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28 Comments on “The (I)ntro”

  1. Chatter says:

    Great thought provoking post Obi Wan!

  2. katelon says:

    I’m sorry you are in such pain. I grew up severely asthmatic and have had a lot of injuries on top of that, too but like you, wanted to heal the world. I felt that way since early childhood when my spiritual vision gave me a bigger view of the possibilities here, the bright light that many could not see. I still do that work, but have learned that perhaps the most important is to heal myself, learn to see the light within me, learn to love me and THAT process then ripples out and does become a shining light for others to follow. As you are learning, if we don’t love and care for ourselves, we can not be there for others.

    Beautiful post. Thanks for your honesty and beauty in writing.

  3. Acceptance is a biggie. It lies right underneath the other biggie — Judgement. I’m working on this one myself…peeling the layers, if you will. I guess it’s through the self-care/healing that this process can deepen. Thanks for posting this!

    • CultFit says:

      You are more than welcome. I have never been too keen on sharing personal stories here, although after all that I been through in life … I don’t know – I just wish more folks would get this. Be well this weekend. :)

  4. mariavlong says:

    Wow, when you say take care, you really mean it huh? Take care & thank you.

  5. Sandra says:

    Perhaps your most heartfelt and beautifully conceived post ever. Thank you for your painful honesty.

  6. Taking care of yourself. Sounds like exactly what your loved ones would want you to do. And that includes joys. YOU be well this weekend!!! (Beat you to it!! :)

  7. One day at a time, my friend. Blessings and peace as you share in life’s all too brief journey. :)

  8. Maia says:

    I like that quote, Cult! Then you think of time, look at the clock, look at the calendar…

    It is not so much how short or long the time will be. Either when the pain comes or when the pain heals. But it s how we spend the time now, neither waiting or expecting.

    And I’m sorry you have pills to take. You know how freaked out I get now from taking ‘drugs’.

  9. Thanks for visiting and liking fitnfabulousat40.

  10. […] was lucky to go for a wonderful Sunday morning ride with the author of CultFit, a blog I’ve been following for a while now (the link is to one of my favorite recent posts […]

  11. Yesenia says:

    Lovely. Definitely is impossible to do it all, especially hard to admit when you are so passionate about the others and your surrounding. Focusing on yourself first is what I come to learn as being the best first step, at trying :) Good luck!

    • CultFit says:

      I love it when you stop over and share such kind, and motivating thoughts. Thank you so much, I hope you had an awesome weekend, take care!

  12. Take care – and eat lots of red velvet birthday cake…

    • CultFit says:

      We finished the last piece Sunday night. :) Time to make another I suppose … I hope you are having a wonderful week, take care!

  13. electricbohemian says:

    comforting to see this post, a father too – which means this self realization will be passed down through the generations as well. To me that is a sign the world is changing for the better especially following the comments. Beautiful writing too, such an eloquent way of expressing yourself.. It is strange how people see us a the embodiment of a poetic ideal yet we see only our own darkness. I have to tell you this year I had a dream about a stranger and I saw his life speed past me, when he was in his old age he was full of darkness but when he died – it was realized that all the while who he was the essence of him was locked inside a box and had always been with him all the while, no matter what had happened in life and no matter the person he had become his self was untouched, It was so much more magical in the dream but it kind of make sense to me.

  14. willowdot21 says:

    Hi there pleased to meet you thanks for stopping by my blog or else I would not of seen your blog. I am sorry that you have so much pain, I can not ever know what your pain is but I can say that I too live with pain, daily, and I also suffer side effects from the drugs I am given to combat the pain. I hope you can see your way clear to take a little more time for yourself, be mindful of others and your surroundings but find a hidy hole inside your head to rest recuperate and grow. Be well and be happy. x

  15. Emma Windsor says:

    Hi…many thanks fot the like on my Izabel Goulart blog…xx